Nameless
I am the daughter of a king that forgot my name.
He runs this kingdom with tyranny, and even though no subject would admit it, we all loathed him.
Though this wasn’t common knowledge among the kingdom, father occasionally chose random citizens he hated for no apparent reason and beheaded them in his secret guillotine. He always made me watch and told me that this was the right thing to do, or our population would increase too drastically. And he had abused my mother until the point where she couldn’t take it anymore and had killed herself.
I remember seeing her standing there, at the edge, looking out over the rolling waves of the English Channel. It was sunrise, and I couldn’t sleep.
I was leaning on my bedroom’s balcony, watching her. I never thought she would actually jump.
I was still watching as she gingerly stepped closer to the escarpment. And I realized too late what she was going to do.
“NO, MOTHER!” I cried out, tears welling up in my eyes and falling to the ground far, far below as I leaned out. I leaned out as if I could actually reach her and save her.
She turned back, smiled softly, and I realized she was crying too. Mum never cried, even when dad was beating her.
She said something that I could not hear, but it looked like the words, “You’re the only thing that kept me going, darling. I love you.”
And with those last words, she turned and jumped. As simple as that.
“MOTHER!” I screamed gutturally. My tears were more like fountains at this point.
I woke the whole kingdom with my cry, and it was soon found that the queen had killed herself.
I had been eight years old then. And in the ten years that had passed since then, my moods were just as mercurial.
I found rare happiness in simple pleasures, such as nature, animals, and the kind people of the kingdom. But when I returned home, and faced my father, I was depressed all over again.
Father knew very well mother had killed herself because of his actions, but he seemed unphased by it.
“Hello. You,” he would address me. I don’t even know if he knew I was a princess. Did he even know I was his daughter? He didn’t act like he did.
I never replied to him and instead would stalk up to my room with my nose in the air. I would never forgive him. It was his fault Mum was dead.
It was going to be another day like this. I would spend the morning with James - my only friend - and we would help out beggars on the streets.
I had stolen a thousand pounds from father’s ever growing collection. I always hid the money in the sewn pockets of my underskirts. It made my skirts harder to walk around in, but it was for a good cause. And as soon as I was outside of the gates, I would take the stashed currency from under my dress and pile it into James's satchels.
James and I always distributed the money equally among the beggars that seemed to never end. There was always someone on the corner where we had helped someone just yesterday.
“You don’t think they’re taking advantage of us?” James whispered in my ear.
“They might be,” I answered looking straight ahead. “But that’s okay. With a ruler like my father on the throne, they deserve it.”
James said nothing after this and we continued giving out money.
They all bowed to me, and thanked me, and I hated it. I despised feeling like a ruler. I didn’t want to be my father. But I just nodded and smiled at them.
The church tower struck noon and I whipped toward the castle. My home.
“James, I’m late!”
He looked appalled. “Will your father punish you?”
“I have no way of knowing, I’ve never been late before.”
James ran to the nearest house and knocked indignantly. When the door opened he hurriedly asked, “Per request of the princess, may we please borrow your finest horse?”
The house owner glanced outside, saw me, and gladly said yes.
James leaped to their stables and emerged a few seconds later leading a gleaming white mare.
He mounted it gracefully and reached down to take my hand.
I smiled as he took my hand and pulled me up. I sat with my legs on one side and wrapped my arms around his strong chest.
Then we were racing through the dirt road. Pedestrians were throwing themselves out of the way and still James didn’t slow down.
We reached the gate and the horse reared. I held onto James so tight, I was sure I’d knocked the breath out of him.
“Go, hurry. Let me know if everything went alright.”
I jumped down, and without looking back, ran up the front stairs to the double doors.
I opened the doors slowly and closed them behind me quietly. Noon was when I was supposed to be in the dining hall for dinner. Breakfast was always brought to my room, but dinner was required to be eaten at the table.
I know I didn’t have time, but I couldn’t appear in the dining hall with my mud stained skirts, so I ran up the staircase to my bedroom.
But as I opened my bedroom door, the king was there, perched on my bed, waiting for me.
“Where have you been?”
“Why does it matter to you?” I said headstrong.
“I am in charge of you,” he said, not looking in my direction but rather staring at the wall in front of him.
“You are not. I am eighteen. That is an adult.”
Now he turned to me, and I took a step back despite how I’d raised myself to be. A fire seemed to burn in his eyes and it was frightening.
“You will do as I say. You were late for dinner. Clean up, change, and I’ll meet you at the table in no longer than ten minutes.”
He stood up and went out leaving the door open.
A fury burned inside me like the fire in his eyes. I slammed my door with all my strength and the whole castle seemed to shake.
I sat on my bed, not caring that I would get filth on the sheets, and began crying angry tears.
Who did he think he was? He wasn’t king of this kingdom. And he certainly wasn’t the ruler of my life.
I took the pocket knife I kept hidden under all my underwear and cut off the skirts of my dress.
I was sick of it. Sick of everything. I wasn’t going to live here anymore.
I cut the skirts off all of my dresses except one - the one mother had given me for my thirteenth birthday- and tied them tightly together and created a rope.
Then I changed into my boys clothes. They were really just James’s old clothes that he’d given to me in case I was ever in an instance were skirts would be intolerable. Which was most of the time, but this was a more special instance.
I twisted my hair into a knot and secured it with a few pins. I tucked the knife into my shirt pocket, walked out to the balcony, and looked down. It had to be at least ten meters high. I looked at my rope of skirts. This had better work.
I wrapped the first skirt around the balcony railing and tied it tighter than I’d ever tied anything before; this time my life would be at stake.
I swung my leg over the white railing and stepped carefully on the outside edge. I gripped the railing with white knuckles and slowly brought my other leg over.
With one hand still on the railing, I lowered myself to a squat at grabbed onto the dresses fabric and held on tightly.
The hand on the railing slipped a little and I clung to the skirt with both hands now.
I slid one foot off the edge so that it dangled down. Carefully, I took the other one off and hung there for a little.
My hands were already sweating and the silk of the dress wasn’t helping me grip on.
I wrapped my legs around the dress and began to slide down little by little. I tried to wipe my hands on my pants one at a time, but it did little to reduce the moistness. Ladies weren’t supposed to sweat.
I slid to the bottom of my rope. And I was still three meters off the ground. I knew that wasn’t all that large a distance, but I had never been so afraid of heights as I was now.
A tear. The sound of seams popping. And falling.
I hit the ground hard on my legs and a long rope of silk came tumbling down after me.
Pins and needles shot all the way up my legs. They weren’t broken, but they were certainly numb.
I pushed myself up and stood up. Pain shot through my toes and up to my hips. My feet stumbled over one another but I managed to stay up.
I was done with living in that palace.I began walking awkwardly towards James’s house at the south end of town. I knew he would help me.
James was of the lower class (not that it mattered to me) and I had to walk through one of the poorest parts of the kingdom to reach his home.
I knocked on his front door and his mother answered, wearing conspicuously filthy clothes.
“Why, please come in,” she stepped to the side to let me in.
Inside, she looked down at my clothing but didn’t comment on it. Instead she called, “James! Come in here please!”
James popped his head out his door saying, “What, mother? What was it that it couldn’t wait?”
Then his gaze travelled beyond his mother and he saw me. A huge smile spread over his face. His eyes lit up.
How beautiful a person is when happiness is present in their features.
“Hello, your highness,” he teased. “What, may I ask, brings us the pleasure of your presence?”
“Shush, James. I’m not supposed ot be out of the castle.” I turned to his mother, “Mrs. Cornel, please excuse me.”
I ushered James back into his room and shut the door. We sat on his bed.
“I was late for dinner, as you know. My father was waiting for me in my bedroom. He told me I had ten minutes to clean up and appear in the dining room.”
I paused and took a breath. James was silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I sat on my bed and - ” I had cried. But I didn’t admit that. Mother said a lady never admits that she was crying. I had never seen her cry until that day…
I started over, “I sat on my bed and made a decision. I was going to run away. I wasn’t going to live in that horrible excuse of a house. You need to help me, James.”
“How did you escape the castle?” my friend asked.
“I… cut the skirts off all of my dresses except one and tied them together. I climbed off the balcony, James! That isn’t something a lady does! Everything is falling apart. It’s been falling apart ever since my mum died.”
My throat tightened and I couldn’t speak after that. I felt my eyes get wet and shut them tight. It did nothing from preventing the tears from falling onto my cheeks.
And all of a sudden, without any warning, strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me closer. He rested his head on my pinned hair. And suddenly I was home.
We didn’t say anything for a while, but I think that’s all you need sometimes. You just need someone to hug you tight enough to pull all your pieces back together.
Then he pulled away, and I found myself wishing it hadn’t ended.
“What are you going to do now?” Worry crossed his face.
I opened my mouth and closed it again. I hadn’t even considered what I would do once I got here, I’d just come here by default.
“They’re probably already coming for me,” I said with reluctant truth.
“I won’t let them have you.” James said it so simply, but his words sunk in deep. I smiled to myself.
My grin faltered as soon as I heard a brisk knock on the door.
My heart began to beat rapidly.
“I knew they were coming, but I didn’t think it’d be so soon,” I whispered urgently.
“Stay here,” James whispered harshly and walked out his room. Mrs. Cornel was already at the door.
“Yes, officers, how do you do?” she was saying.
“We are under orders by the king himself to search your home,” one soldier said.
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you in.”
“You sure can, madam. Step aside.”
I heard Mrs. Cornel stumble and six sets of boots thumped around and began overturning things.
“Step aside, son,” they said. Their voices were just outside the door. My heart beat faster.
“I will not,” James said stubbornly.
“Move him,” the main officer said.
They must have had to physically pick up James, because I knew he wouldn’t move that easily. I could hear him struggle, and his courage fortified me.
I reached into my shirt pocket and pulled out my knife.
As the door opened, chaos erupted as I sprang forward and slashed at whatever I could.
My knife was heavily bloodstained by the time they finally managed to restrain both James and I.
I saw Mrs. Cornel was unconscious on the ground, and the soldiers left the door open, carrying us in their arms.
I am embarrassed to say that it took four soldiers to restrain James, and only two to keep me still.
They marched all the way to the castle, passing by homes of the common folk. A small crowd of two dozen people had followed us up to the front doors of the castle.Then they had to stop.
James and I were dragged to the main room and pushed before the king. They forced us to bow.
I looked up at my father, sitting ostentatiously on his throne. A wicked smile was dancing on his lips.
“Well, well, well. A girl of royal blood in the presence of a peasant, both bowing to their king. How wonderful.”
Fire burned in me.
“I am a woman, father. And I shall have you know that this ‘peasant’ is my best friend and is in the army. He fights for our kingdom, Father.”
A guard hit my head sharply with the hilt of his sword. “You will respect the king, girl.”
James struggled, but even with his military training, he was no match for four professional soldiers.
My father laughed bitterly.
“Guards. Bring them along, and follow me.”
James and I were jerked to our feet and forced to walk forward.
“We need to control the population, don’t we, Darling,” Dad said turning his head back and addressing me.
It hit me so hard, I almost fell over. No. No. He wouldn’t. But he would. He was the king.
“You have no right to call me that, father,” I said mockingly.
“I will call you whatever I wish.”
I tried to meet James’s eyes, but the soldiers were holding my head straight ahead.
We entered the courtyard and the king’s secret guillotine shone in the sunlight. It seemed newly polished and sharpened.
“Bring the boy forward,” dad said.
“NO FATHER!” I screeched. I had seen many beheadings, but I would not stand to watch James die.
The soldiers strapped James down. I kept screaming.
I could see the fear in his eyes, but he wasn’t showing it on his face. James was going to be brave until the end. Oh, James.
“On my signal,” father said and raised his hand.
I gulped back my next scream.
“Take me instead!” I shouted.
All the men in the courtyard turned to look at me.
“NO!” James yelled then turned to me, “Don’t so this.” Then he faced the king, my father. “I deserve this. She hasn’t done anything wrong.”
“No, James. You have a mother to support. Let them take me. I have nothing to live for.”
“What about me?” James said, his voice breaking. “Am I not enough a reason?”
“James, that isn’t at all what I meant. No one depends on me. I have no purpose. Please, let them kill me instead.”
“I depend on you. Please. Your purpose is to make me happy. Please,” James insisted.
Tears clouded my eyes. My father was looking between James and I as if he were watching a play.
“Father,” I faced him. “Take me. I know you hate me either way. James hasn’t done anything to upset you. I’ll take his place if you let him go unharmed.”
The king seemed to ponder this, but I knew it was all for show, he’d made up his mind the second I’d volunteered.
“Free the boy,” he ordered. “Strap in the girl.”
James was released. I was brought to the weapon. I faced it courageously. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw James struggle against the guards, but it was no use.
I heard the murmur of voices just beyond the wall of the courtyard. The whole kingdom must have gathered.
With the loudest voice I could muster, I yelled unabashed as they put me under the blade, “Kill me if you must, but I shall not bow to an insufferable king who wears a crown studded with a jewel for every life he has ended.”
My father dropped his raised arm. James screamed my name. It must have been the worst thing I’d ever heard.
And.
Everything.
Stops.
And.
Starts.
Again.
I am rising up.
Past the courtyard. Past the roofs. Past the castle. Past the hills. Past the clouds. Past the known world.
And then I was looking down. Down on my kingdom. It was nighttime, far past supper time, but I saw everything clearly.
The people of my kingdom were rebelling. They showed tremendous zeal as they marched on the castle’s gates and overpowered the guards. They were coming for the king. He’d killed his own daughter - their princess. And now they knew that he’d been behind all the disappearances of their people.
James was alone in the courtyard. He sat on the edge of the guillotine with his head in his hands. He was crying.
I watched him for a long while.
The sun rose and he’d stopped crying. Suddenly, I was standing right next to him, but he couldn’t see me.
He was gently stroking the hair on my decapitated head as if I were still alive, softly whispering.
“I love you, Adelaide. It should have been me.”
A single tear drop fell from his eye, and I held my hand out to catch it. It warmed my entire soul and I wiped it onto my own cheek. It soaked into my essence and I began to float away.
“Goodbye, James,” I whispered as I floated away.
He looked in my direction, as if he’d heard, but he couldn’t see me.
Goodbye.
